Thoughts On My Stigma Fighters Post


It took me awhile, but I finally found the stomach to write about my own story.  I know other people, who I’ve never met, have certainly helped me by sharing their stories, struggles, and triumphs.  So despite my discomfort and chest palpitations–I hate when they return!–writing about the heavier aspects of my own depression, suicide ideation, and anxiety were important to share on their platform. After I was able to organize the jumble of thoughts in my head, I felt (almost) euphoric after looking at the finished post over at their website.  But after the writing high wore off, I became panicked.  I’m wired to assume people are judging me, and thinking the worst of me, so it makes me jumpy to have divulged so much, not only on Stigma Fighters, but even here at The Current Collective.  I cringe about almost everything, and I can’t believe I’ve even lasted on Twitter as long as I have, let alone sharing my deepest thoughts on a blog.  I wish I hadn’t submitted such a big, smiley picture as my Stigma Fighter head shot, mostly because it’s such a DARK story.  I only noticed after that you really don’t have to submit a picture.  Ughhhh.  (It’s my go-to profile picture, btw).  After calming myself down, I realized there’s a little unintentional lesson in that as well.  For so many people, the smiling face hides a lot.  It always does.  How many times are people stunned by someone’s suicide or that a person who they thought was doing just fine, grappled with a serious mental illness.  So many of us pretend to be okay for appearances sake, or out of shame, or fear of judgement, but it’s necessary to try to make sense of what we’re experiencing…and to share:

Saying Goodbye to Dark Sources “But love is not a transaction. Love is transcendent—it transcends language and material possessions and can be shown only by our thoughts, actions, and intentions.” Joshua Fields Millburn

This past winter, I found myself sitting in my car on the verge of ending it. I could go to the corner Rite Aid, buy a bottle of vodka, take the handful of pills in my bag, and make my own pain go away, forever. I have had intermittent bouts of depression since I was a teenager…

To read the rest, please visit my post on Stigma Fighters here. To read more about Stigma Fighters, to share your story, or to become a member please visit them today.