My depression has sprung into full force lately. It comes with a mean inner voice that replays my disappointments, failures, and embarrassments on a continuous loop. Every day I wake up with a tightness in my chest and a blue feeling that pierces. The thing I crave is self-reliance and yet I feel so crippled by my depression and anxiety. I think that things are always destined to be some form of horrible. I feel the shackles constantly.
I’ve done such a good job of putting on a brave face. I mean how do you share your struggles with others without burdening them? In the past, I’ve tried to be honest about my battles only to be met with silence (the worst) or indifferent bland responses. People feel uncomfortable. People know how to express outrage when someone’s in a domestic violence situation, but depression is something that exists in a gray area. Sharing these feelings with the wrong people can feel like a plunging knife into the heart. My own therapist said that I need to have empathy for myself as a way to combat feelings of shame and sadness. But lately self-hatred prevails over empathy.
While I have been receiving treatment for my anxiety, panic attacks, and depression for over a year, I feel like the journey has only begun. Some days feel like I’m going to be okay and other days are just dark. I continue to go to therapy, read up on everything that is suggested, set boundaries, and spend time with people that I enjoy. Even still, that fear and sadness still lingers. I realized, it will probably always be there, hanging around.
Will it ever leave me for good?
I hope so.